Two weeks worth of contemplation

When school ended for me a about four weeks ago I decided I needed to come home for a couple of weeks. There were a multitude of reasons for this, one I wanted to come home to help my father and brother get some of the farm work done, most of you might not know this but my father is the most important person to me in my life, he has been there for me my entire life like any good father should be but he has been much more than that to me. He is the most selfless person I have ever known, he would literaly do anything for me and think that he should since he is my father. I hope that eventually I can grow up to be even a 10th of the person he is because that would be an accomplishment all in its own. Another reason I needed to get away was to clear my head, I had a lot of things happen over there the last couple weeks and finally I realized that I needed to regroup and reaffirm what I was doing and this is what I came to realize while I have been home. I have strived all my life to be the best person that I could be, doing what I could to help others and the ones I cared about, listening to their problems and using my extensive knowledge of relationships and the droplet of knowledge I have about life to assist them in anyway possible. I really think I have my friends and loved ones to thank for the path I am on at the moment, they got me to contemplate things far deeper than most ever do and gain a more solid understanding of why things work the way they do in this world of ours. So during my time home I thought about why things never seem to work for me the way they should or you think they would and I realized I'm not ready for them to. All this time I have strived to be the best person I could and gain happiness through others happiness that I forgot that I have to gain it on my own before I can move on. I realized I have to choose a path that no one can follow me on, that I must go on by myself. I want to become a better person and the only way to do this is to understand what it means to be a better person. This is not going to be an easy task but I feel that it is one I must embark on before I can continue with anything else. I don't want to unnecessarily hurt anyone anymore, I don't have that right so I have to do this. I realize that once I have completed this journey I will start another with the same idea in mind but look at it this way. Does a painter ever paint anything that they believe is their perfect work? Do they ever say that's it, that's the best I can do and now I am done. Philosophy is about understanding and that is what I am seeking, I wish to understand why things happen the way they do and while this may be futile I still can say, "Nothing is impossible, it's just improbable. All my life I have felt that there was something I was meant to do or something I had to accomplish and maybe this has something to do with it. Many might say this is ego talking but it is something that has been with me all my life. Even if it takes me the rest of my life I will figure it out, but for the moment I think I have to start the path with one simple thing, I have to remember how to listen to my heart and not just my head.

On a side note, to those who believe that I am being too hard on myself your more than likely right. I usually put myself through more than anyone else does but I usually find it to be a good thing. It helps me with my goal of becoming the best person I can be. Thank you for your concern though.

Have you ever hated yourself for something you knew you had to do?

As I sit here tonight I know one thing is for sure, I hate myself more than anyone else in the world tonight. Why you might ask do I hate myself with such passion. It's because I have the ability to take a person's heart and destroy it. You know there are some guys out there that can hurt girls without flinching so I wonder was I born without this gene, where is it because I sure could use it now. Maybe it is what numbs us to the pain we inflict to others instead of the beer I am drinking right now. I once said that life is full of pain and pleasure, it is these emotions and feelings that make life worth living, right now I think they are the worse things that god ever created. Why do I get the power to hurt another? What gives me the right? The sad thing about the situation is that I know I will hate myself far more than she will hate me. I know some might say I'm being a little over dramatic but when times like these happen I wish I was a Stoic and didn't believe in emotions because in the end all this has proved to me is how weak I truthfully am.

E E Cummings

you being in love
will tell who softly asks in love,

am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely
to become the jumping puppets of a dream?
oh i mean:entirely having in my careful how
careful arms created this at length
inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure--you go from several
persons: believe me that strangers arrive
when i have kissed you into a memory
slowly, oh seriously
--that since and if you disappear

solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep--what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
--what does it all come down to?     love?     Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love."

Why does pain have such a hold on us?

When we are babies we learn to cry when we are in pain, that way it can be alleviated some how, but as we get older it becomes uncommon to cry, atleast for guys it is. With my last serious girlfriend when I broke up with her she got very mad at me during it, not for the break up itself but for the fact that I didn't cry. She told me I wasn't showing any emotion what so ever, truth betold I was in a large amount of pain, not so much because of the break up since I understood I had to break up with her, but because my ideas of love and everything that went with it were so damage that their foundations began to crumble. A few weeks before I ended things with her it was valentines day, being the hopeless romantic I was back then I had plans for us, I was to pick her up at 10am and we were going out to dinner and shopping at the mall which she wanted to do. This was going to be on Saturday so during the week I left her notes hidden in places, I put roses in her car. I also bought a small hand crafted box with rose designs in the top, filled it with heart shaped red glitter deals and a pink rose candle. I left with the box a note telling her that all my love for her was in that box for her to keep. It occurs to me now that maybe I put all my love in that box and I should really ask for it back even though it is very unlikely that I would get it back, she would probably throw it at me now. So then sat. comes along and I get there at 10am to pick her up and she is mad at me, I don't know what about at first but soon I find out that I am late even though I was there at 10am and we said 10am. So we enter the car and start to head to the mall and I soon find myself to be the target of a full seemed at the time tatically planned assault. She puts me down in every way possible, calling me many different names, naming off all my bad qualities, comparing those qualities to her ex saying how much better he was then I am and how I am so pathetic I should be so thankful she would even consider being my girlfriend. I think thats the first time a girl has almost made me cry, well I actually had a tear run down the side of my face, I was so mad I turned the car around, took her back to her house and told her to get the hell out of my car. She didn't do this and we made up a little bit later, then two weeks later I broke up with her and I quote she said, "I never saw this coming, why are you doing this?" After that day I haven't cried a tear or even come close to one, I have carried the pain from that day with me ever since like chains that I drag on the ground that slow me down and never let me go. This same pain keeps me from forming anything with any other girl or ever trusting one, I lost my hopeless romantic side because of it and as much as I try I can't seem to find it again. This is what pain is to me, it changed me, stole a part of me and I carry the scars from it still to this day, also this is a silent pain because if you ever asked anyone they wouldn't be able to see it, they believe me to be happy and without trouble when it comes to girls or relationships but they couldn't be more wrong. So I ask you what is pain to you, do you know of pain like mine that seems neverending???

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes??

Have you ever had one of those days that you ask yourself why do I do the things that I do? Today was one of those days for me. In the last week I have had the school year end, one girl crush all my ideas of love and I came to the realization that I am going to do the same to another. Why does this always happen to me? I can find girls, just not the ones that work for me. I found a girl that is pretty, funny and treats me great, but I don't feel anything for her. Then there is the other girl who I have known for years, there has always been something between us but we made the decision a long time ago that we could not be together for certain reasons and we have been something more than friends ever since. Well this week she basically revealed to me that she doesn't exactly feel that way about me anymore, there is no one else in her life but its gone now. So here I am, a man whose education has already been reducing his hopeless romantic side in favor of a more logical side, and I have just had the one person who was helping to keep it alive destroy everything that I knew. Truth be told I was a little relieved, but now I also have the feeling of being lost, it is a little like my world has been turned upside down or someone has told me there is no gravity, if I just believe it is not real then it won't be. So here I am, filled with unanswerable questions wondering why. Why does this always happen to me? I realize that this is a character building thing but I don't think I want anymore character. I just want things to go right for once and for my life to make even a tincture of sense. I guess that's too much to ask. You know over the weekend I actually meet a pretty, smart and interesting girl too, but I am to riddled with guilt and trying to find gravity again to do something about it. Life just sucks sometimes.

Quote of the day

"The man who has no tincture of philosophy goes through life imprisoned in the predjudices derived from common sense, from the habitual beliefs of his age or his nation, and from convictions which have grown up in his mind without the co-operation of consent of his deliberate reason."

Bertrand Russell-Problems of Philosophy