Two weeks worth of contemplation

When school ended for me a about four weeks ago I decided I needed to come home for a couple of weeks. There were a multitude of reasons for this, one I wanted to come home to help my father and brother get some of the farm work done, most of you might not know this but my father is the most important person to me in my life, he has been there for me my entire life like any good father should be but he has been much more than that to me. He is the most selfless person I have ever known, he would literaly do anything for me and think that he should since he is my father. I hope that eventually I can grow up to be even a 10th of the person he is because that would be an accomplishment all in its own. Another reason I needed to get away was to clear my head, I had a lot of things happen over there the last couple weeks and finally I realized that I needed to regroup and reaffirm what I was doing and this is what I came to realize while I have been home. I have strived all my life to be the best person that I could be, doing what I could to help others and the ones I cared about, listening to their problems and using my extensive knowledge of relationships and the droplet of knowledge I have about life to assist them in anyway possible. I really think I have my friends and loved ones to thank for the path I am on at the moment, they got me to contemplate things far deeper than most ever do and gain a more solid understanding of why things work the way they do in this world of ours. So during my time home I thought about why things never seem to work for me the way they should or you think they would and I realized I'm not ready for them to. All this time I have strived to be the best person I could and gain happiness through others happiness that I forgot that I have to gain it on my own before I can move on. I realized I have to choose a path that no one can follow me on, that I must go on by myself. I want to become a better person and the only way to do this is to understand what it means to be a better person. This is not going to be an easy task but I feel that it is one I must embark on before I can continue with anything else. I don't want to unnecessarily hurt anyone anymore, I don't have that right so I have to do this. I realize that once I have completed this journey I will start another with the same idea in mind but look at it this way. Does a painter ever paint anything that they believe is their perfect work? Do they ever say that's it, that's the best I can do and now I am done. Philosophy is about understanding and that is what I am seeking, I wish to understand why things happen the way they do and while this may be futile I still can say, "Nothing is impossible, it's just improbable. All my life I have felt that there was something I was meant to do or something I had to accomplish and maybe this has something to do with it. Many might say this is ego talking but it is something that has been with me all my life. Even if it takes me the rest of my life I will figure it out, but for the moment I think I have to start the path with one simple thing, I have to remember how to listen to my heart and not just my head.

On a side note, to those who believe that I am being too hard on myself your more than likely right. I usually put myself through more than anyone else does but I usually find it to be a good thing. It helps me with my goal of becoming the best person I can be. Thank you for your concern though.